Saturday, July 23, 2011

When your heart is cold

My heart is getting cold with reading the first three chapters.
I have arrived at such level of detachement that I can't see if it is even good any more.
I feel it is just completely crap now.
And I know I have been told I should leave it for a while and go back to it.
But it is not that I can't. It is just that I won't.
I have done it before.
Leave it. Work on it. Leave it. Work on it. Over and over and over again.
For three, five, seven, nine, twelve months.
I can no longer have this luxury.
I must send it or scrap it.
For my own sanity, I am going to send it. And I swear to God. I wish I never have to go through this hell again.
I can't believe after all those months, minutes, seconds, years of work, I will be sending it and I feel nothing.
I don't even care for the result. I just want to separate myself from it and live. breathe. think sane again.
Be an entity again and not this shell of me that is slowly emptying itself into this book.
That's a sign that I can't take the revision any more.

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